


Haunted

by EquusGirl (EquusGirl0621)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Accidental Use of the Force, Anxiety, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Torture, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 04:10:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21293417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EquusGirl0621/pseuds/EquusGirl
Summary: When Ben finally asks a question that’s been burning inside him for years, Leia does her best to give him an honest answer.
Relationships: Leia Organa & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24
Collections: Fridays with Flydam





	Haunted

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Writing Den’s Flydam Friday prompt “was/is haunted by darkness”. This is unbeta’d and edited by an exhausted author that ought to be sleeping but _here we are._

Leia offered her hand across the countertop, a small smile on her face despite the nervous energy coming off her. 

_Why did you send me off to Uncle Luke?_ Rey had been bugging him to just ask for ages now. So he had.

_It’ll be easier if I show you._ She’d tensed and turned to face him, a mixture of guilt and shame crossing her features. Then, she’d sighed and answered him. _And it’s not pretty._

_I can take it._ So here they were.

Ben placed his hand in hers, some of his tension melting from his shoulders at her familiar touch. 

“Ready?” Leia asked, squeezing his hand gently. He nodded and she gave him one last smile before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “Try not to judge me too harshly.”

“I won’t,” he murmured, following her lead. How could he, after everything he’d done? What could be worse than killing your own father? Killing innocents? 

He sucked in a breath as a deep hatred hit him, a burning anger that threatened to consume him. His heart raced and his mother must have sensed his because she was there. That old, familiar comforting presence. **It’s okay; I’m here. It’s mine.**

Images began to flash before his mind’s eye. A pair of black boots filled his vision. Attached to a pair of black clad legs and up and up until he alighted on a mask that was all too familiar to him. _Vader._ So much hatred there. Pain radiated throughout his body and he knew without even trying that he couldn’t possibly move, even if he wanted to. Red tinged his vision as Vader stared down at him, no other sound but the mechanical sound of his respirator. A hatred so strong, he could scarcely breathe. “Pathetic,” Vader said, nudging Ben’s chin with the toe of his boot before stepping over Ben’s prone body. He was practically vibrating with rage at this point. 

**No, not you. You’re safe.** His mother’s voice echoed through their connection; he felt her wrap her warm energy around him again, like she used to when he was little and woke up screaming from nightmares.

The images shifted and Ben was standing up now. Harsh hands grasped his shoulders, holding him firmly in place as green beams of energy lit up the bridge of a starship. He only just got the glimpse of a planet before it exploded in a brilliant, blinding flash of light. And it was as though one of those energy beams had ripped through his chest. It might as well have for all the pain he felt. But he refused to cry out. To give in. And once again, staggering rage and hatred swelled inside of him, threatened to consume him. _No. Not mine._ Ben reached out to his mother’s presence and held onto it tightly. 

Again, the images shifted. A bone deep weariness settled over his body as he lay in a small bunk on a starship, staring up at the ceiling. He’d lost count of how many days he’d been awake. _Too many._ He heard the stirrings of sentients beginning their daily routines. He should get up too, he knew but he struggled to care. Struggled to feel anything but this burning rage inside his chest. All for one man. 

The ceiling blurred and Ben was standing once more; a man towering over him. No, not just any man. His father. Much younger than Ben had ever seen him but Han Solo was unmistakable. And anger and indignation was etched in every feature. "Tell me you're really not going to sacrifice Luke. How many times has he nearly died for you?"

"Luke would understand. Vader has to be taken out." A self righteous fury burned through Ben and it seemed so reasonable, so logical. What was one life in comparison to finally defeating Darth Vader. “After all that he’s done and the countless other crimes against the galaxy; it’s worth it.” The unspoken ‘to me’ hung in the air like a noxious gas.

The image of his father blurs and now Ben is standing in a desert, and he’s giving orders. Threepio tells him it’ll be certain death. 

He doesn’t care. Ben would gladly give his life to take out Vader. His mother’s presence curled around him again, grounding him. Reminding him this wasn’t him. 

His surroundings changed again. He stood in a stark white room, a pair of stormtroopers at the door. Distantly he thought he heard screaming, though he wasn’t sure where the sound originated. Vader stood, towering over him. “Scream. Show me how much you care for that smuggler scum.” Confusion swept over Ben. 

**What’s happening?**This scene didn’t make sense.

**We never told you. Your father never liked talking about it. Before he was encased in carbonite, he was tortured for no other reason than because Vader could. He made me watch.** That explained the screaming. But his father was nowhere to be found.

**Show me all of it. Please.**

**Ben.** He felt her hesitate, her reluctance.

**Please.**

A window appeared in one of the walls and the screaming intensified. A sharp pain shot through his chest, staggering in its intensity. Ben wanted to look away but he couldn’t. And that all consuming rage reared its ugly and familiar head once more. “Scream.” Again, he couldn't. For whatever reason, no matter how much he wanted to. “Or don’t you care?” Rage built up inside him and there was an audible _pop_ and the Stormtroopers crumpled to their knees clutching at their helmets. Vader let out a choked noise before flinging out a hand, sending Ben slamming into the wall behind him. 

The scene faded to black and with it the pain and rage and hatred. **Wait. Did you...did you use the Force? Before you knew?**

**I did. It wasn’t the first time.** Her presence receded somewhat, pulling away from him. He held on tighter. **But it was the first time I hurt people.** Ben wasn’t sure to do with this new information. **Do you want to continue?**

**Yes.** His answer was immediate. He’d take everything she had to show him, if it helped him understand.

Ben was curled up atop the roof of some kind of tree dwelling, back pressed against a tree trunk and arms wrapped around his knees. The remnants of a celebration lingered on below him, and he could feel many more sleeping sentients in the forest surrounding him. By all accounts he should be happy, relieved. But he wasn’t. Fear clawed up his throat, threatening to consume him as he rubbed a healing blaster burn on his shoulder. He concentrated on the pain, hoping it would ground him, pressing his fingers into the wound harder. 

Vader was dead. The second Death Star destroyed. The Empire all but defeated. They’d won. Against all the odds. It was over. He should be happy. He should be relieved. He wasn’t. Sheer terror curled through his chest, threatening to suffocate him. What was he going to do now? Destroying the Empire had been what he’d lived for since… Since his life had been destroyed years ago. What was he to do now that the source of his anger and hatred was dead? The anger that had fueled him for so long, the one and only constant since his whole world had literally been obliterated. He was nothing without it. There was nothing left of him without it. He couldn’t breathe. There was no oxygen. 

The forest moon faded away and he was sitting in an office, Luke smiling at him from across a desk. “There’s nothing to be afraid of; the brightest lights have the darkest shadows. Besides, he’s _your_ kid, Leia; you’re the brightest light I’ve ever seen.” Fear clawed at his chest again, taking his breath away. What if he was the cause of that darkness? What if his son was leeching darkness from him? He couldn’t breathe. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the galaxy. 

But for the first time, Ben truly understood. _Feeling_ his mother’s fear in that moment. He’d heard it from her multiple times but he’d never really believed it. _‘I wasn’t afraid of you, I was afraid **for** you.’_

She was afraid for him because he was her son. She feared she was the source of that darkness in him. **I think I get it now.**

He blinked and he was back in the present, and his mother pulled away from him, not quite meeting his gaze. 

“That fear never went away. I let your father be your main caregiver. I thought if I kept myself a distance, you wouldn’t… my darkness wouldn’t influence you.”

“Why didn’t you send me to Luke earlier then? Like it used to be.”

She smiled softly, leaning against the counter on her elbows. “I was selfish. I love you so much, Ben, I never wanted to let you go. It’s not in a mother’s nature to willingly let go of their child.”

“But you did.” It wasn’t an accusation like it used to be. Just a fact.

“I did. I thought I was protecting you. I thought that the farther away from me, the safer you’d be. The less vulnerable you’d be.” 

“And now? What do you think now?”

She studied him quietly for a few moments, sadness tingeing her smile. “I think being absent was a mistake. I think sending you away was a mistake. I’m not foolish enough to believe I could’ve fixed all your problems but I know my actions created more. And I’m sorry for that.” 

Ben nodded. It all made sense. Finally. A weight lifted off his chest and it was like he could breathe properly for the first time in a decade.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [Tumblr](https://equusgirl.tumblr.com)?


End file.
